Enigma

You are an enigma to me.

Mysteries are all I see.

But it intrigues me more each day.

With everything you hold back to say.

With every  silent smile you share.

The times you pretend not to care.

You’re so illusive it haunts me.

I tried to get to know you over tea. 

But it’s like drowning in the dark sea.

Unsure of what’s up or what this can be.

I want to solve this puzzle so bad.

But the more I learn you seem to get mad.

You pull away and turn your head. 

But you’re all smiles and heart in bed.

I’m drowning in this ocean of you.

Please just tell me what to do.

You are an enigma I can’t seem to let go.

Your distant heart is all I want to know. 

I fear heartache is my only outcome here.

This is a game i know I should fear.

But I can’t seem to walk away. 

So my guarded heart is here to stay.

Just trespass with caution I ask.

As I try to uncover whose under that mask.

This mystery man I want to know more.

But fear i might be falling for. 

Falling for an enigma. The unknown.

Trying to break down walls of stone.

Just tell me if these wall will fall on me.

And a ruin is all I am meant to be.

Can’t Read

Tell me what we’re doing here.

The unknown is my biggest fear.

Was it just a one and done?

Kick me out with the morning sun?

Or are you craving my body tonight?

Are your brain and heart in a fight?

You’re so hot and cold since then.

Maybe you’re afraid to lose a friend.

But trust me I’m not running away.

There’s so much I’m aching to say.

But I’m unsure how you feel about me.

Is it just my body you see?

Friends with benefits I can do.

I’ll even keep it on the down low too.

But if it’s more you might want to try.

This friendship doesn’t mean goodbye.

Let’s see where it goes besides the bed.

Just tell me whats going on in that head.

I can’t seem to read you at all.

Tell me before i start to fall.

So before our bodies collide once more.

Try licking your heart up off the floor.

Be honest with yourself and I.

And stop feeding yourself pitty Filled lies.

You got a chance so take what’s yours.

Just figure out before I’m out the door. 

Falling In Love

I didn’t fall in love with you because i needed a hand to hold. Because I was money or craved someone’s body. It’s not because I wanted someone to share my bed with or kiss me good morning. Not even to share my food with or tell how my day went. Or because I needed someone to make me feel wanted. 

I fell in love with you because when you smile, my heart skips a beat, when you speak, nothing in the world sounds more beautiful. Because when you touch me every inch of my skin tingles with pure gratification. When you look at me with those eyes, everything else disappears around me. And when you kiss me. My whole soul melts away into your lips. I fell in love with you because when I am with you. I feel at home. And the only thing I could think of is how to keep that smile on your face and your hand in mine. 

And yet that hand started to slip. That smile started to fade. Those eyes drifted past me and your voice I heard less. I knew I couldn’t stop you. Holding on would only just tear you down and I promised to keep that smile on your face. Your happiness means mine even if we aren’t meant to be together. So I let go. And you were gone. But I will never forget the way you made me feel. Because I fell in love with you. For you. 

Toxic

I wish I hated you instead.

I’d give anything to get you out of my head.

You fucked me up and broke my heart.

Tore my love and smile apart.

But i can’t stop thinking of yours.

With every tear drop that hits the floor.

I crave the hands that held me tight.

The same ones that started the fight.

I can hear your voice calling my name.

The one spitting lies like it’s a game.

I wish I hated you instead.

Picture someone else in my bed.

Baby I think you’re toxic for me.

And yet I’m addicted can’t you see. 

To be honest we’re probably better off friends.

But i feel myself gravitating back again. 

Not sure how to break free of you.

This unspeakable ending I wish I knew.

Because when I’m free I know I’ll break.

And that’s a choice I’m not ready to take.

I’ll take the fists over the sleepless nights.

Lonely me would rather pick a fight.

So codependent on a toxic man.

Not sure when my heart will take a stand.

When Iearn that I’ll be okay on my own. 

And stop looking for your name in my phone. 

Not That Lonely

I just want to be held tonight. 

A big hug to make me feel alright.

I want that hand holding touch.

I miss that connection so much.

But I’m not that lonely you see.

I know I deserve better for me.

I miss the past yeah that’s true.

But i deserve better, something new.

I miss having someone by my side.

But i don’t miss the times you lied. 

I miss those goodnight kisses too.

But i don’t miss them from you.

I miss the morning cuddles in bed.

Or the spontaneous coffee trip instead.

But i don’t miss you being there.

I’m not that lonely to even care.

I miss having a person to call mine.

To share a dinner and bottle of wine.

These sheets are suddenly bare and cold.

Oh how I crave for someone to hold.

This heart is lonely with you gone.

But I’m done being your little pawn.

I’m not that lonely to go back to you.

lonely isn’t enough to forget what you do

Hold Me

I just wanna be held in someones arms

Skip the dates with the masculine charm.

I wanna feel safe where I lay tonight.

Not have to worry if he’s mr. right.

I wanna feel their heartbeat in their chest.

Not a care if I’m perfect or the best.

I just want to be held till the morning sun.

Don’t even have to call me Babe or hun.

I want to feel secure with another soul.

Lay here tonight and maybe feel whole. 

Home

Suddenly home isn’t such a familiar place.

It’s just a bunch of walls without your face.

There’s a door you no longer walk through.

And a bed that no longer sleeps two. 

A dog waiting for someone other than me.

Sniffing for a man he once use to see.

There is a bed that still smells like you.

Picture frames so empty they look new.

A toothbrush that hasn’t moved at all.

an answering machine that saved your last call.

A women eager to not think so deep.

With nothing but your memories to keep. 

This does not feel like home anymore.

Not since you walked out that door.

Because you were that comfort to me. 

In your arms was home you see

Bottom of the Bottle

Suddenly you got lost in the bottle.
You went full force on the throttle.
Full speed down the hill.
And all you ask for is a re-fill.
You fell down to the bar.
You never do get very far.
One sip and you were done.
And yeah it use to be fun.
But now it’s dark and it’s mean.
You started off as a young teen.
Now a man or supposed to be.
But a hopeless drunk is all I see.
Empty glass so you cause a scene.
It’s too bad you’re out of green.
But isn’t this where you flirt your way.
Tell them you’ll pay them the next day.
A face like yours they wouldn’t say no.
And that’s the reason whyb I had to go.
Bottom of the bottle is where you are.
Just a drunk living in a bar.

A memory

It was a Friday night in your hometown.

You walked by and suddenly  no one else was around.

That was the first time I saw you.

Weeks later it’s Sunday morning smiles.

We’ve been talking for a while.

I leaned in and our lips met as one.

Our first kiss under that morning sun.

December 25th 1992.

Snuggled up on the couch with you.

A Christmas tree as our only light.

Our first tradition started that night. 

May 9th 1994.

I knew I wanted more.

I got down on one knee.

Said a future with you is all I see.

You stood there laughing crying with me.

Pulled me in and said you agree.

October 17th 1995. 

We never felt more alive.

Our first dance on our wedding day. 

Can’t wait to grow old and grey.

Can’t wait for more first with you.

For all the new things we do. 

June 11th 1998.

We had our first child’s birthdate.

A cute little girl just like you.

Our first day as parents today.

New first are all on the way.

Her first words, steps, and smile.

Maybe a sibling sometime in a while.

If I’m lucky you’ll get our first dog or cat. 

Be rebel parents and get our first tats.

I dream of all our first since that Friday night.

So many possibilities came into my sight.

You filled me with dreams my dear.

I hope our last are never so near.

I pray this adventure never dies. 

Because then I’d have to say our first goodbye. 

December 28th, 2006.

First time you were impossible to fix.

I couldn’t mend your broken smile.

Nothing good came in the doctors file.

First time I caught you hiding your tears.

And I started to feel these new fears.

Fearing the first day with you here.

God it feels oh so near. 

November 4th 2007. 

You went off to heaven.

Your first round of chemo was too late.

I wish I could rewind to our first date

Family Dinner

We’d sit here exactly at six every night. If you missed dinner Ma would put up a fight. We ate what she cooked an couldn’t complain. Her meatloaf or stew was always a pain. all six of us sat at this table every night. Dad to my left and mom to my right. A typical family thing to do. But now it’s something new. Now all the kids eat on the go. Our where abouts Dad doesn’t even know. Mom still cooks with hope we’ll come eat. But it’s just her and five empty seats. A family now split in two. dinner at six we no longer do

Grieving

I can see it in your eyes when you look away.

I can hear it in your voice when there’s nothing to say.

I can feel in your fingers when you tremble between mine.

I know it in my heart when you say you’re just fine.

Sorrow has taken a hold on you my dear.

I just hope you know I’m always here.

I know there’s nothing to say but presence helps too.

Just having someone there next to you.

A person willing to accept you’re not 100%

Someone who can see your hearts got a dent.

That you might need space a day or two.

When the memories creep back to you. 

But I know in time you’ll be okay.

I’m here to help or listen in anyway. 

Because losing someone takes a toll.

It hurts and feels like it left a hallow hole.

But I will be here by your side. 

Here to take on any pain you can’t hide. 

To hold you close when you are down.

Or make you laugh acting like a clown.

When the memories come flying back.

I’m here to listen and rejoice in the past. 

It will take time day by day.

But i promise you’ll be okay. 

Unbalanced

You know you truly loved someone.

When they try and say all is done.

But even with all the sorrow and grief.

There’s not enough reasons to make you leave.

He has all my undivided attention.

But I’m not even close to his center of attraction.

Maybe Cupid forgot how to shoot.

We aren’t meant for a white gown and suit.

But oh how I dream of just another day.

So many things I forgot to say. 

If only I knew that would be our last touch.

I would of held on a tighter clutch.

I’ll never forget those blue eyes of yours. 

Or how you always rushed to open my doors.

How you made me walk on the inside of the street.

Or your constantly ice cold tundra feet.

I’ll remember the endless adventures we had.

Even the ones we never got to I’m glad.

Because I Atleast got to meet a man like you.

I just pray the next one loves you like I do. 

I’ll hear your laugh with that silly snort too.

And make sure to thank people with anything they do.

I never had any intentions of falling at all.

but I could never get enough of our late night calls.
I will forever want your happiness over mine.

But I know you’ll find that true love in time

I’m sorry that girl couldn’t be me.

I guess that that happy ending only I could see.

I’ll forever wish our cheers was actual luck.

Because god damn does this feeling suck. 

But I must accept the truth of our romance. 

Just a young love that was never balanced. 

And here I am still outside that closed door.

Hoping you’ll open it asking for more.